Writing by Yvonne Watterson

~ considering the lilies & lessons from the field ©

Writing by Yvonne Watterson

Monthly Archives: September 2013

from falconetti to gus fring & the distance in between . . .

28 Saturday Sep 2013

Posted by Editor in Antrim Guardian, Beautiful Girls, Breaking Bad, Dallas, Enough Said, Facebook, James Gandolfini, Memoir, Movies, Rich Man Poor Man, Soundtracks of our Lives, television, The Sopranos, Themes of Childhood, Twitter

≈ 10 Comments

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1976 Olympics, Abba, Beautiful Girls, Binge-watching TV, Breaking Bad, Falconetti, Gus Fring, Irwin Shaw, Jesse Pinkman, Nadia Comaneci, Rich Man Poor Man, Television Drama, Thorn Birds, Walter White

imageThe last time I was in the grip of a television series was in the 1970s and Abba’s Fernando was the most popular tune on my transistor radio. It was long before Netflix, box-sets of DVDs, iTunes, Amazon, and illegal downloads changed the way we watch TV. It was before Dallas and bookies taking bets on “Who shot JR?”; before “The Thorn Birds” with wily Father Ralph de Bricassart breaking his vow of celibacy, fathering a child with the lovely Meggie, and still ending up as a Cardinal in the Vatican; and, it was before we watched ‘Roots,’ horrified, as Kunta Kinte was sold into slavery in America and whipped within an inch of his life for trying to escape.

70534-nadia-comaneci-c33a6What had me and most everyone else glued to our televisions in the summer of 1976 (other than the Montreal Olympics when an elfin 14 year old Romanian gymnast, Nadia Comaneci, dazzled us seven times over with perfect scores and three gold medals), was “Rich Man, Poor Man,” an epic yarn about two brothers, Rudy and Tom Jordache, the latter played by an impossibly young and handsome Nick Nolte.

We couldn’t have known that “Rich Man, Poor Man” would forever change the way we watched TV on both sides of the Atlantic. We only wanted to know what happened next. The first in the TV mini-series genre, the adaptation of Irwin Shaw’s novel, ‘Rich Man, Poor Man” had it all – the dysfunctional family, sibling rivalry, happiness and heartache, the beautiful girl, politics and betrayal, murder and mayhem – jam-packed into a dozen addictive 50 minute episodes that we all stayed home to watch. Rudy was rich and ambitious, the golden boy; Tom, scrappy and hot-headed, the black sheep. And, “Rich Man, Poor Man” had Falconetti, who along with some of Shakespeare’s bad boys, is one of the most villainous characters ever created. Almost forty years later, a little shiver of fear creeps down my spine as I recall him in the final episode, a black patch over one eye, looking down to the pier where Nick Nolte’s Tom dies from wounds inflicted by Falconetti’s heavies.

Falconetti

It made for fabulous television, and into the bargain, it aired on ITV which, unlike the BBC, had commercials, all of which only helped add to the suspense. I’m not the only person who thinks so. Even Matt Dillon’s character in the movie Beautiful Girls almost succeeds in talking his buddy into missing his high school reunion and staying home instead to watch all twelve episodes of “Rich Man, Poor Man,” back-to-back (the only way to do it) pointing out that:

You can’t tape ‘Rich Man, Poor Man.’ You gotta watch it with the commercials just like everybody else. Man, was there ever a more terrifying screen villain than Falconetti

Just as I waited to see what would become of Falconetti, albeit afraid to look sometimes, I can’t wait for Sunday night’s finale of ‘Breaking Bad.’ True, by the time these words make their way from my computer, across cyberspace, and on to the pages of my hometown newspaper, the speculation will be over. The final episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ will have aired, and its avid fans can go back to their real lives, satisfied or confounded by why it ended the way it did, what happened or should have happened to the middle-aged chemistry teacher erstwhile meth cook and distributor, Walter White. And Jesse. Oh, poor, poor pitiful Jesse Pinkman, not once have you been in the right place at the right time. Can the finale possibly be kind to you?

Admittedly, ‘Breaking Bad’ fever broke late in our house. It took me five years and several reruns of ‘The Sopranos’ to get Tony and Carmela out of my system, and after James Gandolfini died in June, it felt like cheating to throw myself into another TV series, especially knowing I would be seeing Gandolfini again in two movies released after his death, one of which I saw this weekend – Enough Said. Of course, I can’t say enough about his performance, all the more poignant, because it reminds us he is gone.

But last month, when the August humidity forced my husband and me inside to our chilly air-conditioned den, we began binge-watching ‘Breaking Bad,’ all five seasons of it on Netflix. Frantically catching up with everyone else, I found myself both gobsmacked and at the same time wanting even more of what happens in the dark and violent underworld in which Mr. White reveals the Heisenberg within himself, wholly consumed by what my father would most certainly call “pure badness.”

Speaking of my dad, he and my mother have not been watching, and by his own admission, my Editor at The Antrim Guardian doesn’t know the first thing about Breaking Bad either. So how do I explain to them why millions of us are enthralled by the story of what happens next when 50 year old high school chemistry teacher and suburban father, Walter White, is diagnosed with terminal cancer and then partners with a former mediocre student, Jesse Pinkman, to manufacture and distribute methamphetamine in order to provide financially for his pregnant wife and son after he’s gone? It is a ridiculous premise, isn’t it? Add vicious beatings, kidnapping, murder, money-laundering, the Mexican Cartel, a fearsome Aryan gang, an emotionless villain, Gus Fring, and it is tough to watch. But when the going gets tough, as Jesse Pinkman points out early on, “you don’t want a criminal lawyer, you want a criminal lawyer.” And, Breaking Bad serves up unscrupulous strip-mall attorney, Saul Goodman. In spite of his sleazy unparalleled corruption of the law, we relish in his razor-sharp one-liners and the occasional flash of humanity.

I don’t know what it says about us or the times in which we live, that a global audience can be transfixed by such a story, one that Blake Ewing, Assistant District Attorney in Austin, Texas, fears might “normalize the idea of meth for a broad segment of society that might otherwise have no knowledge of that dark and dangerous world.” I’ll leave that for the experts to figure out. (Incidentally, Ewing can’t help himself – he’ll be tuning in on Sunday night as well).

I just know that in anticipation of Sunday night’s finale, I find myself transported back to the living room of my family home on the Dublin Road and nights in front of a roaring fire, an epic American drama unfolding on the Mitsubishi TV in the corner.

I would almost be homesick, but then I visit Facebook or Twitter where friends from all over the world are trading Jesse Pinkman ‘Yos” and the lingo of Breaking Bad that is embedded in the social fabric of America. (Yes. People really do talk like that).  I can’t help but smile at the extent to which Breaking Bad has connected us, engaged us in big conversations about right and wrong and the nature of ourselves. We are way beyond “Who shot JR?”

Just four short decades ago, a twinkling really, such transatlantic conversations would have been impossible, given the vast oceans stretching between us, and the airing of shows on America television months before anywhere else.

With Netflix, DVD box-sets, and the Internet, time and distance slip away and we find ourselves all on the same page. What a page it is, “YO!”

images

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booby-trapped this October?

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Editor in BC Action, Belfast, bombing, Breast Cancer Advocacy, Breast Cancer Awareness, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Breast Cancer Treatment, Cancer Language, Culture of breast cancer, Language matters, Language of Cancer, Memoir, Memoir, Pink Ribbons, Pinkwashing, Sexism, Shopping, The Troubles, Themes of Childhood

≈ 28 Comments

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Breast, breast cancer, Cancer, Health, John Ashcroft, Northern Ireland, Shankill Road, Susan G. Komen, Susan G. Komen for the Cure, The Troubles

boo·by trap 

Meaning: A practical joke. Also a concealed and possibly lethal trap.
Noun: A thing designed to catch the unwary, in particular
Verb: Place a booby trap in or on (an object or area): “the area was booby-trapped.”
Synonyms: snare, trick into doing something
 

“Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November . . .”  the rhyme reminds me, as it has done countless times before, that October has thirty-one days, and it is just around the corner. Thirty one days to make us all impossibly more aware of breast cancer. Thirty one days of purchasing pink and running towards towards “the cure” (two words trademarked by the Susan G. Komen Foundation just in case you’re thinking of hosting a similar event “for the cure). The White House will undoubtedly turn pink again and the cashiers at the grocery store will ask me for a dollar towards breast cancer. And when November 1st eventually arrives, the pink ribbons will be unpinned from lapels, the grocery stores will turn from pink to the colors of Thanksgiving. I will breathe a sign of relief, but I will, of course, still have breast cancer.

I am an unwilling conscript to this battle against breast cancer. I don’t want to be a fighter or a survivor or a pink warrior. I’d prefer living without having to hold my breath every so often, wondering as I did some forty years ago in Marks and Spencers on Belfast’s Royal Avenue, if the bomb scare is just that. A scare. A hoax. In my world today, the suspicious devices come in the form of tumors and test results, in waiting and worrying, in scheduling more time to spend in waiting rooms. And they come in pink ribbons and half-truths about mammograms and early detection. The whole sorry business saps my energy. I have things to do. Mundane things, but they matter nonetheless – laundry and shopping. I like my clothes clean and the refrigerator stocked. But in October, I avoid the dry-cleaners, but I cannot avoid the grocery store and its shelves of pink merchandise.

For eleven months of the year, reconnaissance missions to the dry-cleaners or the grocery store pass without incident. No camouflage is necessary and only minimal intelligence required. In October, it is impossible to pass through the Safeway checkout line without being hijacked by a cashier whose job it is to ask me to donate a dollar for breast cancer. If I say yes, she will bellow into the intercom, “I just got a donation for Breast Cancer. Can I get a Woo Hoo?” And, as they scan coupons and fill bags, paper or plastic, with other people’s groceries, a chorus of cashiers and bag-boys will, as automatons, respond, “Woo Hoo!” and I will flee. I will feel only slightly guilty that I asked how much of my dollar would support breast cancer research, knowing that my question rendered her uncomfortable. But I will be more concerned that she has not been told how to answer my question except with a receipt and a “Have a nice day!”  The young woman at the cash register is caught in the same trap with me –  woo-hoo!

There are other grocery stores, less pink-ified, but they are few and far between. Even speciality stores are dressed out in pink, in an almost festive observance of breast cancer awareness month. I suppose you could call it a breast fest. Bizarrely, this brings to mind Loyalist areas in the Northern Ireland of my childhood.  In anticipation of “marching” season, Union Jacks and flags bearing a red hand hung out from bedroom windows of council houses, proclaiming allegiance to the Crown. Red, white, and blue bunting stretched from house to house, and pavement curbs were roughly painted in homage to British rule. Slogans spray-painted on otherwise scrubbed gable walls, echoed an imperative “Belfast Says No” that hung above the city’s hall in the 1980s and in our faces.  It was unavoidable even for those of us who wanted to remain anonymous, ordinary people for whom the moral imperative was peace. Boldly marking territory in no uncertain terms,  those banners and badges were divisive, as incendiary as the booby-trapped cars that lay in wait for the part-time police officer who, in a hurry to get home for a birthday celebration, failed to check under his car before turning the key in the ignition.

Perhaps it is over-wrought to compare breast cancer awareness campaigns to shows of loyalist strength that often culminated in sectarian violence and murder. The parallels are real to me. The bunting that zig-zags across the skies of the Shankill Road is not much different from the arch of balloons that float above the “KomenPhoenix” finish Line in downtown Phoenix. I did not participate, much to the chagrin of acquaintances who know I have breast cancer. Why wasn’t I part of Komen’s “circle of promise?” they asked. Couldn’t I tap into the power of positive thinking? Why do I have to be so negative about breast cancer? Come on! Can’t you ferret out a silver lining? Make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear?

“Imagine a life without breast cancer!” the Susan G. Komen Foundation urges. Alright. I imagine it every morning when I wake up or when I push to the back of my mind the possibility that the twinge in my hip is a harbinger of recurrence. I imagined it during an unguarded moment in Bed, Bath and Beyond, the sole item on my agenda, a new duvet cover. I had barely crossed the threshold, when I was told to Fight like a Girl:

Even the tic tacs on display were pink, as was the pasta and the over-priced machine used to make it. I did my due diligence and visited the The Pasta Shoppe website, where I learned that 10% of proceeds from the sale of fun-shaped pasta will go directly to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Susan G. Komen was only 36 years old when she was killed by metastatic breast cancer  In the blink of an eye, just three years, it ravaged her body. The organization subsequently established by her sister, however, has failed to appropriately address the kind of cancer that killed her. Instead, the Komen foundation has relentlessly emphasized early detection and awareness. Sealed it with a pink ribbon, it is just not good enough. Not for me. Not for my daughter. Nor yours.

What would Susan G. Komen say about our progress, or Rachel Carson, who fifty years ago, warned us about pesticides and their link to cancer. Breast cancer killed her too. She would have something to say, I know, about last year’s limited edition pink ribbon tic tacs. While I do not know how much of the tic tac proceeds went towards breast cancer research, I know they contain corn gluten, which is cause for concern. For Susan and for Rachel, for you and for me, Breast Cancer Action urges us to ask these Critical Questions Before You Buy Pink: 

  1. Does any money from this purchase go to support breast cancer programs? How much?
  2. What organization will get the money? What will they do with the funds, and how do these programs turn the tide of the breast cancer epidemic?
  3. Is there a “cap” on the amount the company will donate? Has this maximum donation already been met? Can you tell?
  4. Does this purchase put you or someone you love at risk for exposure to toxins linked to breast cancer? What is the company doing to ensure that its products are not contributing to the breast cancer epidemic?

Breast cancer can no longer be covered up with pink ribbon purchases that manipulate us into feeling good about ourselves. It is an epidemic but it has been trivialized, glamorized, feminized. In October, it is more about the boobies and less about the disease. The slogans and the pink wristbands, the trappings of breast cancer become fashion accessories. For thirty-one days, we are told “to save the tatas” and reminded to “feel the boobies.” Baby-talk, sugar and spice and all things nice, the stuff of fairy-tales. Even the President of the United States will sport a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet.

I may be way off the mark, but somehow I cannot imagine our nation in the grip of a “Feel my Balls” campaign. Can you? In 2013, America is still confounded by sex and gender; thus, guarantees of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for everyone, ring hollow. Somewhere within the ‘Spaghetti Junction’ of stories that spin to advance political agendas and generate massive profits, lies the truth about the way things are and how they appear to be. A glamorous pink ribbon wrapped around an Estee Lauder model seems more socially palatable than a bald and fragile, vomiting cancer patient in the throes of yet another grueling, poisonous chemotherapy treatment. And then there are the men with breast cancer. What about them? What about the families of over 2,000 men who died from breast cancer in 2012?

Confronting the chilling reality of breast cancer is non-negotiable. It is time to ask the questions that will quell the rising tide and to demand answers, to hold accountable those in power to mandate mandate meaningful action, beyond the breasts and into research of the cancer that kills.

It was a decade ago when BBC News reported that then United States Attorney General, John Ashcroft, asked the United States Department of Justice to shell out $8,000 for drapes to cover up the exposed right breast of The Spirit of Justice statue. The offending art-deco figure was often photographed behind him while he spoke to the media. Was it too life-like?  Too real? Too much woman for him? Would a pink ribbon in front of the White House have been more acceptable? Regrettably, I think it might.

Breast cancer is ugly, and it hurts. Awareness campaigns hurt too, especially when they focus on the same old stories of early detection and treatment regimens that have been prescribed for decades –  some combination of surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, hormonal therapy. Especially when such campaigns focus on everything other than what must be done to figure out what causes breast cancer in the first place, how to prevent it, how to stop it from metastasizing. What I wish I had known before running all those races and believing that the mammogram was the perfect test is what METAvivor President, CJ (Dian) Coreliussen-James warns:

“People do not realize that metastatic breast cancer is widespread and deadly, and that it strikes on whim and takes 41,000 American lives every year. Survivors think they are safe because they are 5 years out … or were diagnosed early … or were told they are ‘cured,’ but MBC plays by its own rules.People diagnosed at stage 0 as well as 30-year survivors can and do metastasize. You feel great one day and the next day learn you have MBC. Your life can change that fast.

So what will you do this October? How will you navigate the sophisticated booby-traps all around you? Be vigilant. Don’t fall for it just because of the nice pink ribbon. Ask questions.

It’s not all about the boobs . . .

 

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newsworthy: thank you, Brian Baird

17 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Editor in Belfast, Blogging, Brian Baird, cancer, Education, Fathers and sons, favorite teacher, Memoir, News, Northern Ireland, Seamus Heaney, Sectarianism, Social Media, television, The Diviner, The Forge, The Troubles, Themes of Childhood, Walter Kronkite, Writing

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Antrim Guardian, BBC Northern Ireland Radio, Brian Baird, Death of a Naturalist, Seamus Heaney, Stranmillis College, Teaching English, townlands, UTV news

Once upon a time, before news traveled at break-neck speed to our very smart phones and our Cable TV networks, we actually waited for it. We had no choice. When “the news” came on at teatime, it was serious business, and we paid attention. It wasn’t about  a new animal born at the zoo or a wardrobe malfunction of someone famous. When UTV broadcaster, Brian Baird, came into our living rooms with poker-faced authority to tell us something new, we took it as gospel.

As my brother says, “You could read nothing in that face. It was all in the voice. The face, if it told you anything, told you this: listen to what I’ve found out since I was talking to you last. This is very important, and will take only three minutes.” There was no shuffling of papers, no footerin’ with a pen – there was just the news.

brian-baird-large

Amid the recent flurry of texts and Tweets about the death of our Seamus Heaney, I wondered how the late Brian Baird would have broken the news to us. Would he have kept his cool or would he have lost what veteran American anchorman, Walter Kronkite, described as the “running battle” between his emotions and his news sense when he had to announce on-air the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. I suspect the latter.

I first met Brian Baird in the early 1980s. I was a student at Stranmillis College, and I was late for a class. On that day, it was a Modern Irish Fiction Since Joyce seminar. I opened the door to the sound of a familiar voice coming from the front of a classroom. There he was, sitting behind a desk, reciting poetry with the same gentle gravitas he also reserved for reading the news. Out from the television screen in the corner of our living room on the Dublin Road, Mr Baird was larger than life, and over the course of that year, he changed my life as only the best teacher can.

For starters, he introduced me to our poet, Seamus Heaney. “Professionally unfussed” like Heaney’s Diviner, Mr. Baird led us in and out of those poems, wondering always and wandering through rural places and practices I knew well, but had until then taken for granted. I felt a new pride, almost boasting that I belonged to Heaney’s places – Castledawson, The Hillhead, The Lough shore, The Broagh. Indeed, I found a new respect for the craft of certain men who peopled those parts and Heaney’s poems – The Thatcher, the blacksmith at The Forge, The Diviner, men like daddy who I once observed divine water, the pull of it so strong where he stood, that the stick in the shape of a wishbone, bent and almost tied itself in a knot, “suddenly broadcasting through a green hazel its secret stations.”

Mind you, my newfound appreciation for the ways of life in the townlands of rural Derry did not make me more punctual to class or timely with submission of homework. Mr. Baird always called me “the late Miss Watterson” which, if truth be told, only encouraged my tardiness. I liked getting his attention, and I saved all my hand-written papers in a folder, because I loved  his red-ink comments. I used to imagine him reading them on the six o’clock news: “A very sound survey, which I was pleased, at last, to receive. I had had oral evidence of its existence.” Or, “This was received very late, so I can’t guarantee this mark.” (I got the mark anyway).

In April 1991, I wrote to Mr. Baird from Phoenix. I wanted to thank him (because all good teachers should be thanked) and to ask if he would share with me his course outline and a reading list for an Irish Fiction course I was scheduled to teach.  He obliged, and I was delighted to find recently his elegant hand-written letter folded between the pages of the Collected Poems of Patrick Kavanagh.

Letter from Brian Baird

Seven years after I received that letter, Mr. Baird died. He was 69, and it was cancer that killed him. Bloody cancer. There’s no getting away from it, is there? I wish I had made the time to thank him properly for the life-long gift of Heaney’s poetry. There has not been a day of my adult life that I have not been grateful for it.

When Mr. Baird died, then manager of UTV, Desmond Smyth, described him perfectly:

To a TV generation Brain Baird was the voice and the face of UTV news. He was a totally professional broadcaster and a charming work colleague with not an ounce of ego about him.

Like Heaney’s men – not an ounce of ego.

Out of the blue, one morning in April 2013, I opened my email to find a note from his son, Patric. In his travels, he had found my blog and was pleased to read there about the impact of his father on yet another former student. It turns out I am part of a large and global fan-club. Patric told me his dad had taught English and coached rugby in Malaysia in the 1950s and early 1960s. On a trip there to celebrate his fiftieth birthday, Patric met some of his father’s former pupils, now old men in their seventies who recalled with gratitude how their teacher had helped shape their appreciation of literature and the English language.

It was a long struggle with a rare form of leukemia that killed my favorite teacher, and Patric says he remained positive throughout the illness. Of course he did.

Sadly, Mr. Baird did not live to see his son become a journalist, nor would he ever know the full extent of his influence as a teacher and a lover of poetry. Even though I know he is the man who kept on reading the news in spite of a fly landing on his lip, I have to believe that his inscrutable poker face would break into a smile at the thought of me, at fifty, “crediting marvels” myself, and reciting Heaney at an upcoming tribute to the poet in Phoenix.

Thank you, Mr. Baird.

I am forever in your debt.

 

"The News"   © Sheila Dee

© The print version of this article appears in The Antrim Guardian September 17, 2013

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from A to the final jolt of Z ~ September 11th

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by Editor in 9.11.2013, 9/11, Anything can Happen, Belfast, Billy Collins, Blog Awards Ireland 2013, Blogging, bombing, British Army, cancer, Diary, Healing Field Tempe, Loss, Memoir, Memoir, Northern Ireland, Northern Ireland Culture, Ordinary Things, Peace, Poetry, Remembering September 11th, The Peace Process, The Troubles, The Troubles, Themes of Childhood, Writers

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Billy Collins, Blog Awards Ireland, Healing Field Tempe, Lesley Richardson, Northern Ireland, Remembering 9.11, Seamus Heaney, The Names, Troubles, World Trade Center

I have yet to be disappointed by what happens when my online world collides with the ‘real’ one. Landing on the virtual doorsteps of people in the middle of lives parallel to my own, I have been beautifully blindsided by unexpected coincidences and exchanges of truths that may not otherwise have seen the light of day. In my virtual home, it is easy to pull up a chair and trade ideas and opinions with people I may never meet about why Seamus Heaney mattered so much; about the beautiful, bruised Northern Ireland that made me; about breast cancer, its pain, its politics, and the shiver of fear it brings when it moves in; and, about clearing a path to things that matter most and things that need to be said.

I got lost in the blogosphere one evening last July and somehow landed at Lesley Richardson’s blog, where within minutes, I was completely at home, howling with laughter as we traded stories about surviving our teenage years in Northern Ireland long before curly-hair products had been invented. Both of us born in 1963 in neighboring counties, we have much in common – along with the curls, each of us has a cat, a husband, a 15 year old daughter, a love for Heaney and Belfast, and a need to write (Lesley does it for a living). And then there’s the cancer. Always the cancer. Before posting to her blog, An Unconventional Death, which should win Best Blog Post in the Blog Awards Ireland 2013 competition, Lesley emailed me and asked me not to read it, afraid that perhaps her searing account of her beloved dad’s death would upset or offend me, given my own diagnosis. I was so moved by her sensitivity to my situation, but of course I read it. And, it broke my heart. Everyone should read it and vote for it because it is unvarnished truth-telling.

Last year, on September 11th, Lesley and I talked here about the jolt to our psyches on that grotesque morning in 2001 when it seemed as though the entire world could barely breathe for fear of what might happen next. Our little girls were then just four years old, safe in their pre-schools on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean. When the news tumbled out of New York city, Lesley and I were stopped in our tracks, heartsick, the familiar terror we both knew as children of The Troubles, reawakened in us. Blindsided again. 6a010536fa9ded970b0148c86bc490970c-800wiWe had grown complacent, I suppose, with the Good Friday Agreement and talk of peace and renewal. How could we have so quickly forgotten that anything can happen. Anything. We should have known better.

“Anything can happen.
The tallest towers
Be overturned, those in high places daunted
Those overlooked regarded.”                         Seamus Heaney

Did we used to be more resigned to that maxim? I don’t know. Growing up where we did, when we did, we were often confounded by the bombs and bullets, the brutality and barbarism on both sides, but at the same time, somehow – and sadly – resigned to it. We held tight to the ordinary rituals, the ones we thought we could control, and we tried not to be afraid that “it” might happen to us. We never fully gave into the fear as we went to our schools and our shops or out to the pub on a Friday night. Had we given into the fear, we would never have left our homes.

One such routine, for me, was writing in a diary. I did it every day. Unprompted, I could fill page after page with stories, some true, others embellished. Along with now embarrassing angst-filled poetry, bits of social commentary, newspaper clippings, dried red leaves from maples that lined country roads upstate New York on my first trip to America, concert tickets, letters never sent, and things I wished I’d said at the time, there was always plenty of evidence of a life being lived well in spite of the troubles that swirled around us and within us.

A young woman, just starting out on my own, I had time and space from which to carve out a tight hour each day to to set words down on a page. The world was my oyster. But the business of adult living eventually got in my way, the way it does, and writing in my diary, my once cherished ritual, gave way to more prosaic tasks and daily responsibilities that turned out to be far less important, far more costly, and often not even good for me.

Then, just when I thought I had my house in order, the breast cancer diagnosis caught me off-guard. A jolt. And I began to write again, the way I once had in my diary. For me. I kept it private at first, afraid to hit “publish.” Inexplicably, I felt like I was speaking out of turn or that I would get in trouble for expressing aloud my indignation and the sheer rage I felt towards the disease that would interrupt my daughter’s adolescence and make me make room in the next ten years for appointments with oncologists and radiologists.

As I encountered others like me in this online space, I grew bolder and started to set down my story against the more mainstream stories of celebrities who have “conquered” cancer or women who “have it all.”  Here, I could lean back rather than Lean In obediently just because all the other women are doing it.  I can take stock and trade. I can light the match rather than not burn the bridge that served only to keep me down and in the dark. In this space, if a visitor leaves a comment that is unkind or untrue or defamatory, I can place it in the trashcan, where it belongs. But that has happened only once. This is my home away from home.  And so I keep writing. For myself. I suppose cancer made a writer out of me.

For Lesley, it was the death of someone she never met, a Russian immigrant who worked on the 97th floor of 2 World Trade Center, that prompted her to start writing for herself. A jolt that helped her find her writer’s voice.  Although she has been writing for years and makes a living writing for other people, it was not until she took a Creative Writing Class in September 2002 that she started to write the kind of writing that lays bare the things that matter.  I am glad that she did, because it led me to her.

Her first homework assignment was to write a letter. To anyone. About anything. Just a letter. Stuck and not knowing what to write about or to whom, she turned on her TV on the second anniversary of 9.11 and began watching the memorial service. For over two and a half hours, she listened, as the names of almost 3,000 dead were read, and when they got to the last name on the list, Igor Zuckelman, she knew the letter she would write. Her letter to Igor became a tribute to all those who died:

I’ve been wondering, Igor, what you would have made of your death, of all the deaths, and the aftermath of that catastrophic and grotesquely historic couple of hours. I come from a place that has been tarnished by terrorism for over 30 years. My country has lived with death, hatred and evil for almost as long as I can remember, and many of the atrocities we have witnessed have left wounds that for some will never heal. Perhaps the saddest thing that I have learnt from living here is that hate breeds hate, ignorance breeds intolerance and, for those who are locked in their insular beliefs, forgiveness is not an option.

When I read Lesley’s letter to Igor, I knew what I had to do. I promised her I would print it out and deliver it to the Healing Field Memorial in Tempe, Arizona, where I would attach it to the flagpole erected there for Igor Zukelman, a flag flying for him along with 2,995 others.

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This past Wednesday, September 11, 2013, before going to work, I went to the Healing Field. My best friend brought a plastic bag to protect Lesley’s letter from the impending rainstorm and some green ribbon to attach it to the pole. Unlike me, my best friend thinks of everything. As we made our way to the small hill upon which Igor’s flagpole stands, we could not help but look up, uncomfortably aware of the field’s proximity to Sky Harbor Airport and the roar of airplanes above ensuring we will not forget the sound of those planes before they hurtled into the Twin Towers twelve years ago.

Letters and paper flowers, candles aglow in the bright morning, tiny stuffed bears on the grass at the bottom of six flagpoles – I have been cleaved in two by such things before, things left to honor innocent lives snuffed out by terrorism. The tragic lesson learned growing up in Northern Ireland is that terrorism is a horrible equalizer. Babies, children, parents, grandparents, those without names or families or homes or good health – it matters not. In a terrorist attack, they are all “legitimate targets.”

20130911_3452And in this field of healing, flanked by row upon row of flagpoles set five feet apart, we can stretch out our arms and touch two lives at a time, lest we forget what happened on September 11, 2001.

The 9.11 memorial in Tempe, Arizona, is heartbreakingly beautiful, each one of its 2,996 flags signifying a life taken on that horrific autumn morning.  There are shows of patriotism and silent prayers for the dead; a mournful “Taps” pierces the air every hour on the hour, and everyone falls silent and still; then bagpipes and then Amazing Grace. Yellow ribbons wrapped around and around those flagpoles encircling the field, represent the valor of those “first responders,” whose duty is to protect and serve those within. Ribbons as blue as that September morning sky wound around flagpoles in the heart of the Field, for the flight crew members who perished. On the grass, for veterans lost that day, pair after pair of combat boots.

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In cities here and across the globe, wreaths are laid, bells ring out, and names are rubbed in pencil on cherished scraps of paper. We say their names. We remember them.

And so, I found Igor’s flag. I said his name out loud and tied Lesley’s letter to the pole and, before I walked away, I whispered “Godspeed.”

May we never forget these names.

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“The Names” is in dedication to all the victims of September 11 and their survivors. Poet Laureate of the United States, Billy Collins, is one of those brilliant poets who uses words and rhythms to cut through with clarity and compassion to the heart of a matter, right when we need it most:

The Names – Billy Collins

Yesterday, I lay awake in the palm of the night.
A soft rain stole in, unhelped by any breeze,
And when I saw the silver glaze on the windows,
I started with A, with Ackerman, as it happened,
Then Baxter and Calabro,
Davis and Eberling, names falling into place
As droplets fell through the dark.
Names printed on the ceiling of the night.
Names slipping around a watery bend.
Twenty-six willows on the banks of a stream.
In the morning, I walked out barefoot
Among thousands of flowers
Heavy with dew like the eyes of tears,
And each had a name —
Fiori inscribed on a yellow petal
Then Gonzalez and Han, Ishikawa and Jenkins.
Names written in the air
And stitched into the cloth of the day.
A name under a photograph taped to a mailbox.
Monogram on a torn shirt,
I see you spelled out on storefront windows
And on the bright unfurled awnings of this city.
I say the syllables as I turn a corner —
Kelly and Lee,
Medina, Nardella, and O’Connor.
When I peer into the woods,
I see a thick tangle where letters are hidden
As in a puzzle concocted for children.
Parker and Quigley in the twigs of an ash,
Rizzo, Schubert, Torres, and Upton,
Secrets in the boughs of an ancient maple.
Names written in the pale sky.
Names rising in the updraft amid buildings.
Names silent in stone
Or cried out behind a door.
Names blown over the earth and out to sea.
In the evening — weakening light, the last swallows.
A boy on a lake lifts his oars.
A woman by a window puts a match to a candle,
And the names are outlined on the rose clouds —
Vanacore and Wallace,
(let X stand, if it can, for the ones unfound)
Then Young and Ziminsky, the final jolt of Z.
Names etched on the head of a pin.
One name spanning a bridge, another undergoing a tunnel.
A blue name needled into the skin.
Names of citizens, workers, mothers and fathers,
The bright-eyed daughter, the quick son.
Alphabet of names in a green field.
Names in the small tracks of birds.
Names lifted from a hat
Or balanced on the tip of the tongue.
Names wheeled into the dim warehouse of memory.
So many names, there is barely room on the walls of the heart.

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Yvonne writes a fortnightly column for her hometown newspaper, The Antrim Guardian

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From there to here . . .

Yvonne hails from Antrim, Northern Ireland, and has lived in the desert southwest of the United States for almost thirty years. Married, with a daughter who is navigating her path through the "teen tunnel," and a haughty cat, Atticus, she has spent the better part of the last three decades in the classroom as a student, teacher, and administrator. Her mid-life crisis came as a sneaky Stage II invasive breast cancer diagnosis which subsequently sent her to the blogosphere where she found a virtual home away from home . . .
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